Sunday, December 18, 2011
Hello! Welcome. If you are reading this right now I am assuming you are suffering from some emotional pain due to an upset, loss, or bad thing that happened in a relationship and you would like some help dealing with that. I could share with you a long sad story about the many heartaches I have experienced in my forty seven years but I thought it might be better to only include what is needed to let you know I have been there and lived to tell about it. I am more interested in telling you the things that worked for me to heal my pain and help me move on. It is my sincerest wish you find something in these words useful to you.
So let's get started feeling better right now! Let the emotional healing begin!
The best way to get what you want is to focus on it so I invite you to take a little time to pay attention to your emotional state, observe, and see if perhaps there may be some things about it you would like to change.
As you commit to this act of self love you may notice that the garden of your inner being has grown a few weeds. That's ok. It happens to the best of us and the good news is no matter how untamed and overgrown our gardens become, if we are willing to put forth a little effort, all can again enjoy a thriving emotional state of being that is a joy to behold and a source of nourishment for our own spirits and the souls of all we share our lives with.
If you are feeling emotional pain right now, this unfortunate situation can be turned into a positive by using it as a call to action. Right now you can begin to turn the situation around. Take a moment, right now, to close your eyes and remember a time you felt especially warm and loving. Fill in as many of the details as you can. What did you see, hear, feel both physically and emotionally, smell, taste, think? As you do this focus on the warm and loving feelings you are having. This feeling will heal you and your relationships.
If you would like warm and loving relationships it begins with feeling warm and loving yourself. I know this can be difficult when dealing with people who are not being how you would like them to be but this isn't about them right now. This is about you, your healing, and your emotional comfort and joy. If we wait for other people to behave themselves we might have a very long wait. They will change as we change, or not. When our own house is in order, other people's mess becomes less important.
Another powerful tool for emotional change is excitement, or positive anticipation. Look forward to a time where you are healed, happy, and whole. Fill in as many details as you can. Go over a list of your senses as well as your thoughts, emotions, and even other people's new reactions to you if you would like. Make this as real as possible to you right now and believe that this miracle has happened to millions, maybe even billions, of people just like you and there is not reason why you are so different. This is very doable and wonderful. You are becoming an everyday miracle. Take a moment to feel excited about your transformation because this feeling to will heal you.
As you read this and do these simple and very powerful exercises you may want to make a list of the emotional states you wish to cultivate to aid you in becoming the kind, caring, compassionate, and strong, emotional being that is beginning to awake right now. This person has always been there inside of you, just near the surface, sometimes more active than others and now is the time you can learn to access and become this person whenever you choose. Keeping track of the emotional states that trigger your higher self on paper moves your work from the realm of thought and imagination to hard copy, outside world, reality.
Determination is the cement that holds your new home together. This means you make a commitment to your relationship with yourself that is as solid as a commitment you may make with a loved one. You won't be perfect, you will make mistakes, and you will improve. Even if it is just a little bit, feeling how you are on the mend and heading in the right direction is uplifting and encouraging. Take some time to treat yourself as if you were your own child and thrill to how you are growing everyday. You wouldn't give up on your child for having a mistake or a setback. Give yourself the same courtesy.
As you consciously take control of your emotional state and direct it in a way that increases your joy and the happiness of those who are fortunate enough to know you you will find positive action and results are not far behind. You cannot change and have your situation stay the same. It's just not how the universe works. We sometimes fear change but for better or worse it is the only thing in the universe that is constant and can be counted on. As your situation is now in a state of flux remember to picture positive outcomes. This does not guarantee success but it is proven to up your odds. Why waste time being fearful. How many times have we lived in fear of things that never happened. We have a rule in our house. No freaking out over stuff that hasn't happened yet.
Cultivate cheerfulness and your sense of humour. Look around for things that you like and appreciate them. Be grateful for what you have. Practise laughter yoga. Simply sit in any position that makes you feel spiritual and laugh for a few minutes for no reason. Sounds silly but it works. Take this meditation out into the world with you and look for things to laugh at. Developing humour consciousness builds emotional muscle that will get you through any tough times coming.
Stay as healthy as you can. I could write a book on this but I fear it might be boring and preachy so no one would want to read it. To be brief I would just like to mention that your brain works better and is happier if it is properly fed, hydrated, and taken for a little walk everyday. Happy brains have happy hearts.
We all have a need to matter, to mean something, to be important to a person, a few people, or the world. If you have lost someone you may feel you have lost some of your importance. I can tell you you are more important than you know just by being but it may be more helpful for you to help yourself build your self esteem by just noticing how many opportunities you have in a day to make a difference. Even if it is just a little bit. It matters. Be kind. Smile at people. Hold a door open. It all adds up.
This could be a great time to take on a new task or a new direction. Think for a moment. If you could do anything you wanted with your life and failure didn't matter. What would you do? Have you lost someone who was holding you back from living your dreams? Are you free now be and do? Months or years from now are you going to see this as the best thing that ever happened to you? Hard to imagine now but try to anyway. Leave yourself open to these possibilities.
When imagining your new life learn from this ancient wisdom. Any success that doesn't come from contributing something positive to the world will ultimately leave you feeling empty and desolate. Great healing is visited upon people who cultivate a sense of contribution. Giving back will fill you up and helps close the void. I do not push sacrifice here. Don't over extend yourself. This should be easy. This can be fun.
As you are cleaning and renovating your emotional house you may notice there are people in your life that are causing you difficulty. These people are your greatest teachers. What the lessons are is up to you. In your heart you will know what it is you need to learn. You may need to learn to let someone go or to let go of a resentment. You may need patience, acceptance, or to be able to stand your ground without being angry or aggressive. Whatever it is you need practise with these people are there for you to practise on. How nice of them to show up. As long as you are not being abusive, don't be upset if you ruffle a few feathers. Nobody is holding a gun to their heads and making them play with you.
To be successful in healing it is important to keep our own mental health and peace of mind as our primary goal and claim our inner calm as our God given right. Just by existing we are worthy of this feeling. It doesn't matter what you have done in the past. Today is a new day. You are a good person who is allowed to make mistakes. Give yourself permission to be human and know that life is a trial and error proposition for all living things yourself included. You deserve to be happy.
If you have had difficulty in your relationships you may have come to believe that chronic anger and emotional upset is a normal and inevitable part of life and this state of being has become acceptable to you. You may have tried in the past to push it down like a beach ball in the ocean only to lose control of it and have it come rushing back to the surface again. Certain people may be more likely to cause these reactions than others. Some people just push your buttons and you can't help but blow, cry, or do something you don't want to do. Many people can be manipulative, crass, and/or unconcerned. Remember as you share your journey with them they are giving you the opportunity to learn how to deal with them from a position of emotional strength or let them go.
The pushy, the bossy, the correctors, and the advice givers can also be a challenge. They think they know what is best for you and are not shy about keeping you up to date about how you are. Your ego flairs at these people and you want to let them know that you are the right one and will do as you please. Your higher self wants peace. Key in to your higher self and hold firm to the notion that your inner peace is yours and yours alone. Don't jump into the game. You know yourself as a good person and have no need for any symbolic victory. Simply thank them for their advice and then do whatever you feel is best for you.
Work on positive psychology. This idea isn't new. In fact, it is ancient but it is making a comeback after medications and traditional psychotherapy have failed so many of us. I have learned so much from this approach that studies mental health as opposed to mental illness. Harvard, Penn State, and UCLA are teaching this stuff to name a few. Eventually what myself and so many like minded individuals are telling you here will become the norm and I look forward with great optimism to what the future has in store for us but for today we may seem a little quirky but we are doing something that works and we will have to be patient while the rest of the world catches up. This isn't "let's just force ourselves to be happy". This works and it changes lives.
This is why I love what I am doing right now so much. I feel I am contributing. I am making a difference. I am fulfilling one of my greatest human needs and I cannot describe how honoured and grateful I am right now that you are reading this.
I contrast this with how it was for me ten years ago. I was doing very well for myself but I was not happy. If someone were to ask me if I was happy I would have answered in the affirmative. I thought I was happy but if I had taken the time to pay attention to my mood minute by minute I would have noticed that by predominant state of being was restless, irritable, and discontent. I thought I was happy but I very rarely felt that emotion.
The situation was to get much worse before it would get better and I am glad I did not know what was in store for me for I think I may have killed myself. My discontent grew to misery. I felt trapped in a lie. I had no idea how much my own negative mindset was contributing to the problem. I will spare you the gory details and simply state that it did not go well for me for quite some time.
Today I no longer have the hansom husband, house in the suburbs, car, pool, ect. but I do have this feeling of intense satisfaction in my belly and I feel less lonely and more safe than I ever have before in my life. I owe this feeling to the positive psychology movement and I found it here on youtube.
I learned even in the most difficult of circumstances we can find something that works to turn things around. This moment can be a pivot point for you where your life takes on a whole new meaning and direction or you could already be well on your way. Either way I am honoured and thrilled to be with you right now. Life is wonderful.
If I sound a little to excited to be sitting here on my couch typing after midnight because that is one of the few times it is quiet around here, please let me explain. We see and focus on what we think about. As I see you reading this (its ok brains don't know the difference between real and imagined so if I imagine you there it still works) I feel how wonderful it is and that sense of awe and wonder is being hard wired into my neural net and I am programming myself to receive more of it.
As I check out what the new stuff is the universities are teaching I have found I am not as unusual as I thought. I thought I must be beyond help. Pills, therapy, and twelve step programs didn't do me much good but I have learned that the statistics on these interventions are dismal at best. One thing that is a bright and shining star on the horizon is meditation. This is proven to change the structure, function, and chemistry of your brain all for the better. It is so simple. Sit for a few minutes everyday and focus just on you, here, now. Whenever your mind begins to wander this is your cue to bring your focus back to you, here, now. This will heal you. It has been scientifically proven to be the best thing going.
Relationships are not usually easy and are usually hard work but to keep ourselves working in the right direction the me, here, now principal can keep us from working in the wrong direction. Focus on keeping your efforts directed towards your own thoughts, feelings, and actions and resist the need to control others. When you are with someone be present. You are not at work, with someone else, or somewhere else. You are with them so give them your attention. The time is now so no need to dig up past resentments or tell them all the crappy things that they are going to do in the future. This isn't easy but it has it's own rewards. Try it. Make it fun.
To improve your life and make it better you may want to set some goals. Be careful to have these be things that are liberating for you in the here and now and not senseless task masters that must be served or you will suffer humiliating failure. To think "Ok, now I know where I'm headed I can focus on the details of today" is more enjoyable. No matter where you are today it is nice to set some goals as long as you remember they serve you and you don't have to serve them.
Remind yourself at the same time every day that you are a miracle. You are a wonder making the world a better place, right now, just doing what you are doing. Reminding yourself several times per day would be even better. You want to cultivate that sense of awe and wonder at the strength and courage that is born in the spirit within you that will not give up until it is allowed to breath free oppressed by no one.
So much pain is caused by the unobserved mind running wild. Even pleasure can carry the seeds of great pain when it is ego fed. "I feel good because I am better than others" or mindless of consequences(addiction). Some day we will not measure up or have to pay the piper . We create many kinds of pain for ourselves. Some of these are pain about what is going on now, pain from the past, and pain about what the future has in store for us. We don't do this on purpose. We are innocent, ignorant, unknowing what is causing it and we carry it with us, all this pain, and it only takes a random thought or a careless remark to bring it all up again and there it is, unpleasant at best, crippling and deadly at its worst.
It is through our thought processes that this pain is manufactured and kept alive. The answer is not to deny, repress, or attack but to notice, observe, see it for the boogeyman that it is and calmly go about doing what needs to be done to restore serenity and order in your internal world. At some point you may realise that you are able to choose how you feel. You have become an artist, a sculptor of your emotions. At this point you may choose to label yourself "healed".
If any of the work I have been doing here and at Youtube is helpful to you and you would like to express your gratitude and/ or generosity please donate. It doesn't matter how much, really. Even very small amounts would be encouraging and help me with costs like new equipment and my unusual internet bills. Thanks again for listening.